I exploded last night. God, I’m surprised no one’s come to me complaining about what I said. It’s not like they didn’t hear me. I was screaming my head off for a good hour and a half.
Again, I don’t blog to make people feel inferior. But you can’t argue with some people. I was trembling and sobbing uncontrollably. I know that can’t happen again. But I’m learning how to stir hamburger. That is not what I came here for.
I came here to learn how to be smart and safe when people want to rape me. I came here to learn how to control my impulse buying and how to not be ripped off. Obviously, my anger could use work. I came here to learn how to go into the grocery store and be smart with my purchases. I came here to learn how to drive, if that’s even possible. I came here to make friends. I came here to learn how to use a credit card appropriately. I came here to learn how to save money. I didn’t come here to learn how to count money and stir hamburger. I didn’t come here to learn how to shower every day. Bottling things up isn’t good. I know that. But it’s what I do. I need a better way to go about getting rid of the frustrations. Coloring and music works, but I’m not always able to whip out the headphones or coloring book. I also journal. But again, I can’t whip it out always. Ignoring is not possible for me. We need a way around that. I listen to music to drown people out because I can’t do that on my own. I also watch movies with good endings(Disney).
‘Grin and bear it’ only works for so long. That’s what I’ve been doing, and I broke. No more.
Well, my meltdown is going in the daily log, I know that much; but I really hope for fuck’s sake, that it’s used as a stepping stone. The ‘non-ignoring’ is part of the brain damage. People don’t seem to understand that. I. CANNOT. IGNORE. It’s not a hard concept.
I think I have a cavity. Mom and I decided that a trip home once a month would make this whole thing work possibly. Maybe if I can come to the library and just chillax once a week, other then the weekends, that would work too. I can see me reliving it and explaining it at least 30 times for everyone who needs this information.
Why?? Why do I fall through the cracks? I’m the one who is not smart enough to fit in with average people who go to real college and yet I don’t function so low that I fit in with the people who ……….I can’t think of a word or phrase for it, but I trust you catch my drift. I can’t fit in. I’m just one wierd ass fucking puzzle piece. I don’t fit with any puzzle. T_T
You guys can offer help, ya know.
I know who and what I am. I know what I’m made of. I know I’m as strong as anyone can fucking get. I just don’t fit. I’m not like them. I know. But just knowing things doesn’t fix the problem. I’m not CAPABLE of keeping my anger contained. I can only do it for so long and clearly, I’ve reached my limit.
I’m learning how to stir hamburger.