My mind is made up. I’m living in the Carbondale Towers and here’s why: mom is three hours away as is Chris; I get to keep my dog; and it’s cheap. I’ll probably never find cheaper one ever. I mean it’s under $100. The reason is that it’s because these apartments are for disabled peoples. The disabled are discriminated against, and just have hard times finding jobs. Well, I don’t actually know if there is discrimination, but I’m sure there is in some places. Living with Becky would be great, because she could teach me sewing and quilting, but she can’t have Stanley. If I didn’t have a dog, I totally would, but now I do so…meep.

Here’s another story of why I hate being here. It happened less then 5 minutes ago.

I was on Facebook and came across a post about how a 5th Indiana Jones is in the making. My jaw dropped and I say, “What?” loudly.

I hear, “What is it?” from the corner of this very tiny room. Tacy looks over to my computer and answers him. This bugs me. Tacy is not more then 2 inches away from me. So I mean, I get it but that was rude. I say, “Tacy, do you know not to read over a person’s shoulder?” She nods, embarrassed. Then Cindy chimes in with, “Sarah, dadadadadda” I totally forgot the statement, but it was a rude comment to get me to “get off Tacy’s back.” She always has this very annoyed voice when speaking to me. I continue helping Tacy. “It’s rude to do that, Tacy. Did you know that?” Then Cindy continues with, “Sarah, put your headphones back on.” which clearly says, to me, I hate you. Shut up. I don’t want this to continue because I hate you. Well, not those words, precisely, but imagine a very lower understanding saying that. It was not a calming statement; it was a challenge.

Maybe I should mention this to the staff to work on “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” with her. Maybe not the “staff” exactly, but my case manager. In my book, if you don’t say anything, how will a problem be resolved?

Yes, I can deal, but clearly, my disability gets in the way because I cannot ignore.

On a better note, Chris, my ex, called me at midnight. I dumped him through text, which makes me think that he’d never want to talk to me again. My reasoning is that he had no personality. There was nothing TO him. He was boring.

I think he seemed a bit tipsy maybe?? He usually only calls me when he’s drunk.

In my defense, though, I did try to talk to him about it. I did try to break up through talking and wanted him to understand. But at the end of it, I tried breaking up 3 times and needed another method. I did ask him to be more romantic and all 3 times I got a squeeze and kiss on the forehead. Um no.

The call wasn’t to get back with me. I sent that text on August 1st. I’m disabled and part of that is that I can’t keep myself safe. So he actually volunteered to be my protector.

He didn’t like that I called him “a dad that I have sex with” and I understand that. But dude, it’s how I felt. and still feel. Again, I say: If nothing is said, how will the problem be resolved?

But now, he’s taken time to wrap his head around it and understood. So woo. We can still hang out and be friends. He did say that he was starting to fall in love with me. But ….it’s not the same for me. 😦 I felt like I was leading him on for a long time. But breaking up was a huge break through for me and I’m so proud of myself for finally getting it done.

But we both agreed that we missed sex lol. so…he’s gonna take me out of this shithole this weekend. I can actually say the word fuck and FUCK. hehe. ;P

It’s more like a friends with benefits relationship. That’s what it always felt like for me.

I have a FRIEND who is a BOY. lol Do you know how fucking exciting this is? I grew up with all girls, had dogshit for a father and have always been not generally liked(because of my blunt as fuck honesty), so kindof a loner and lost in the art of friend-making.

One weird thing though, was that all through the 2 year relationship, I was trying to get sweetness and romance out of him, and last night was the first glimmer of hope.

After we hung up, I got a text from him that says “I love you!!!!!!”  Me-“I know. Can I sleep now?” Him- “That was meant for seeing in the morning.” Me:-melts, smiles and giggles-

me-What??? What happened here?? Am I gonna want you, now that you show some sweetness? Oh dear.

2 thoughts on “Decided.

  1. stephypowers

    He may need the fear of losing you to realize how serious you were about your need for romance and sweetness… It will be hard to keep the friends with benefits thing going considering you were together for so long, but I hope the best for you guys.



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