DRIVING!!!

Well, my birthday was shit. Two staff members had birthdays in November and they got surprised with a cake. They did know my birthday was coming. I said I would prefer cookies. None. >< Very rude, I think. Also, they sang Happy Birthday to me. I looked specifically at Beth. She wasn’t singing. It’s just a stupid song, girl. Why can’t you sing a fucking song? We go bowling on Fridays. I had an emotional episode. The one good thing I did, was step out before I went nuts. I sat against the wall and just cried from fury. ONLY ONE person stopped to see why the random girl who was clutching her hair was crying. RUDE. I got up and sobbed to her and she gave me hugs. She had no idea what I was talking about but let me sob away. She gave me her number to text. So yeay new friend. Not ideal circumstances, but wahoo. After two more hours, I texted her that I was back to my “normal”. And now we’re just…meeting through text.  In those two hours, Ashley(a GA) took me in the van, alone, and just let me vent and rage for 15 more minutes. She’s my favorite. The reason was that I do not tolerate stupidity, bullshit, drama or disrespect. THAT’S ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE! By people, I mean the other residents.  Being on my period makes everything worse. I’m not even supposed to have my period. But mom says my shot is on December 6. So it makes sense, but at the same time just…sucks. I leave on Friday at 4:15. I’m really not sure I can survive any more childish SHIT. I gotta go but wanna add that I drove!!!! I now have my permit!! so woooooooo!!! FREEDOM!! almost. I was freaked out at first but once I calmed down I was really good. wooooo. ok. bye.

I will drive. They’re going to extend my time here so I’ll be sure to have the license.That’s great but dealing with everybody here for even longer?? Dude, I reached my limit a long time ago. Now, I’m just…working off emotions here. But driving….haha! When I’m done, I’m gonna play the FREEDOM song. Driving, man…but…them. Can I deal with that? My first thought is NO.

I’ve also thought about once I do drive, what will I use it for? where will i go? EVERYWHERE baby. haha! That’s great, but cars are money. Just…I had always thought driving would never happen, so I just planned on using the money for karate and dance lessons. Now that it will, how can I afford the car AND lessons? Well, dad will pay. Obviously. He loves equipment and feels like a badass for paying for karate. I love it that he’s paying for my way out of the life I had with him. Toats unaware though.  And I clearly need my own job. But doing what? I clearly can’t deal with college. That’s out. Well, not the like…doctor and lawyer shit. Vets go at least as long as doctors do. I know that. Theater?? That’d be great. But there’s papers and exams and all that shit. I think that would beat out the fun. And people??? Granted they’ll be people who know how to behave and whatnot, but there’s still differing opinions and personalities. Ik. I dunno man. And some people are just…stupid and/or mean because they just are. I can’t deal with those.  AND the professors. I have a learning disability that’s not obvious. BUT if they don’t know about it, then they just don’t know. And I can’t fault anyone for that.

When I moved in with mom, bruce was very cruel and said he wouldn’t pay for my education anymore.

Now, I don’t HAVE to go to college. But if I have a car, I need a job to pay for it. And good jobs are connected to college.

Too much, man. Too much. I can’t deal with college!! Not every professor will be nice and care that I have a disability. I bet I’ll be laughed at too. And not every class will be a pass/fail thing. Jesus. I can’t do college. No. God, I don’t know!!! shit! I know that I’ll get so frustrated I’ll blow up at least as many times as I did here, and burst out crying in class. That’s what holding me back here. I don’t deal with frustrations well at all. I know how I get and I know what will happen.

Well, if I don’t go to college, what options do I have? Get stuck with a crap job forever. Never meet anymore friends. Sit on my ass in front of a screen all fucking day. Be a loser. But, there are people who have great jobs that never went to college.

I just…I can’t do college. It’ll make me cry and then the people will make me cry and the money…and the pace. Oh my god, there’s no way in hell I can keep up with that. There’s no way I can write a fucking 12 page paper.  I scare myself.

Just don’t think about that. That all is not what I need to focus on right now. Focus on….mom, Stanley and music….driving!! no, not driving…that’s what lead into this thought process in the first place. Mom. Focus on mom, Sarah. Mom. Just mom. You can make it.

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