things in my head…

It is currently 2:15 am and I’m just overflowed with love for my Stanley. He’s a Jack Russel and he’ll be 2 years old in April.

I don’t need a child. I have my Stanley. I looked down at him asleep on my thigh and just cried. He’s such a beautiful soul. I don’t even need a man. He has every bit of my heart. I want to write a poem as soon as I can get words to form properly in my head again. I have been overwhelmed with love for him for more then two hours now. Oh yea…period! Well, duh, Sarah. Hello??

I will never be without him again. <3<3

I want to eventually get photos of him in a collage. I have so many.

And my poor Cashew. Mom says he’s super vocal now. I bet you a million dollars it’s because of Vulcan being gone. Because of it, we’re going to get another cat at some point. I wonder if it should be an older cat, or if a baby kitty would do.

I left the door open for them to come up here with me tonight. The space heaters running, but I’m gonna leave it. They seem to have found their beds for the night. It’s a bit odd that they didn’t come up here instantly. But it must be that they’re just dead asleep and comfy.

God, the reason I got the depo shot, is because my bloodflow was so heavy and long. I started it over 10 years ago. I don’t even remember what a normal period feels like. If I go for much longer without the shot, I’m pretty damn sure those cramps will come back tenfold. I’ve never been in so much pain that I couldn’t function, like some, but I recall enough pain to be on my mind and face all damn day.

Haha. In French class one day, I was on it and the bell rang for the end of class. I got up and left behind a ginormous butt print of blood. I recall that I was not even a bit embarrassed. I was just like “oooo….whoooopsy. Eh heh heh.” and then the embarrassment ended. I do recall being worried about the back of my skirt though. It was new and from American Girl.

Embarrassment-wise, I don’t really have any stories. There is another kindof odd and charming period one though. In middle school, when puberty started, I was in the bathroom crying so much and so hard and long. I obviously couldn’t stop and really didn’t give a damn about the volume. A girl from my cross country team asked what was wrong. I came out of the stall with blood just COVERING the back and front of my pants. The girl gave me her pants. I don’t know how the hell she came to have an extra pair with her. It still boggles my mind. Maybe she went out of the bathroom and asked around. I don’t even recall her going out the door at all. But I was so wrapped up in crying as hard and as loud as I could that maybe that’s just not in my memory.

Ya know what I think is super adorable?? I have a morbid sense of humor. Clearly. Bear with me. Stanley EATS my pads!!!! It’s odd, but not really because the feet and crotch give off a custom sent. And dogs have SO MUCH more olfactory sensors then we do…it’s the reason they have a long snout and we don’t. I think it’s so charming. But that’s because I have a sick humor(to some) and he’s just my dog, so everything he does is outright adorable. And I’m blunt about everything in the world ever. (Warning, perhaps?) People, of course, thinks it’s nasty. I understand that. But he’s a dog. It’s my scent and that’s all it is to him. Nothing more then saying he loves me more then anything. I also love the fact that I have my own scent-and probably taste. 😉

Hmmm…what else is floating around up there besides my boys and period things….I really wanna see The Hunger Games now. I read the first book and had to finish because my sister sent it as a ‘book swap’. I told her to read Snow Flower and the Secret Fan–still my number one book of all time. Well, hmmm….The Hobbit too…but they’re whole different genres. I did not want to finish it AT ALL!!! It didn’t take long to figure out I did not like the writing style or the fact that there were children gladiators.  Seriously, that book made me so angry. I mean, yes, great story, but….death battles involving children???? umno. Kindof the same idea with Harry Potter…but that’s on a whole different level of death battles.  NO. Just no. I could feel my face heating up while I read.

Yes, totally made up story. Totally not advocating children death battles for the sake of ratings. But still….that idea overshadowed everything in my mind and I couldn’t handle it. I threw the book a few times. But finished for Gail’s sake. It was THE hardest thing I’ve ever had to do to date. I was livid. Besides living with the children that I do now. but I’m not trembling from fury.

I was also livid that Gail perceived me as the intellectual level of fifth grade. In terms of intelligence here, I think The Huger Games really pails in comparison to Snow Flower. That had me on a rage for a week or two and it’s still a tender spot. And I’m talking your average fifth grader here. My cousin’s child is in sixth grade. I’m absolutely positive she could digest all the concepts and lessons  in The Hunger Games. Snow Flower…nope. I have no clue if Gail even read Snow Flower. She never mentioned it.  I actually doubt it. Because if she did then she would have said something about it. Gail and I are both extremely verbal. So I’m pretty certain that she never even gave it a look. Which makes me more angry. Livid+Livid+Angry…..hmmm….

“Man who catch fly with chopsticks, accomplish anything.” “You beginner luck” I love it.

Oh, yea. So I was super pissed at the book and at Gail. Story, yes, I approve. Plot, yes. Idea. No. But I want to see the movies. In part because I have a board on Pinterest of Jennifer Lawrence. I love her humor. But I’d like to see how she is when she’s serious. And because I want to see the Oscar performance. Also I adore special effects, weaponry, costumes, make-up and set design. I almost typed sex. Hmm…-giggle- And Josh. I wanna see Josh Hutcherson. The last time I saw him was in Bridge to Terabithia. Such an adorable little movie. I need to own that one. It beats out all the other book movies I’ve seen. I don’t read a bunch. But if there’s an original source, I’ll get it almost instantly. I need to read The Snow Queen again. I’d like to see the original Peter Pan. I really hate that story. Child forever? Not my thing. Frozen is based on The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson. I read that and 1. It didn’t connect to the movie. 2. it made no sense to me whatsoever. I want to read the original tale of Rapunzal. Even though I hate Snow White and Sleeping Beauty with a passion, I still want the original tales. Why? Snow White is stupid and that dress is hideous and her voice is way to high pitched for me. Animals DO NOT hop up and help you clean house; they do the EXACT opposite. and I don’t see how cleaning can be that fun for anyone. Sleeping Beauty…because it’s not a story at all. It’s just “Beginning, Middle, End” ok, we’re done. There’s no story or details to it. It’s just the outline.

When I got my Hans Christian Anderson book years ago, I instantly flipped to The Little Mermaid. Then I couldn’t watch the movie for like 3 years.  I really like the um….oh what was it….The Traveling Companion. I don’t have the book with me. But I do have Google…..:)  Yup, that’s the name of it.

I haven’t read any other stories. I’m not a reader. The computer is my go-to hobby. Which is an addiction that absolutely needs to stop. I almost hate reading, really. Any book that I haven’t read is approached with major caution and doubts. But all Anderson’s stories have to be good. I mean I like two of them already. so yeay. I mean, I bought Moranthology because How To Be A Woman made me laugh so hard, even though I can’t understand any of what she’s writing about other then periods and pubic hair. I had to quit Moranthology, because hilarious, yes….but I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. That’s the third book I quit. First was…something about aliens that I think I didn’t get; second was Game of Thrones. My favorites were Bran and Arya, but it was all politics. And that’s shit that I just don’t get. The Hunger Games was the first one I’ve ever gotten livid with. Of Mice and Men is the first to make me actually cry. I cried over Snow Flower and the Secret Fan too though. Oh, hey, I think I quit Earagon too. I remember I was bored stiff with that one. I was so jealous at the author being only 19 though. for a little bit. He was my age at the time I read it, and I had wanted to write my biography.

Hey. Look at that. It’s 4:28. Stanley just came up here. And I found one little ladybug crawling on the bed. These jammas are super warm. I pretty sure that the buzzing behind me is also a ladybug. Great. Where there’s one, there’s always more.

Stanley, Stanley, my love. My only– oh fuck. there is a giant fly and two ladybugs on the ceiling.Three! Ahhh!!! Infestation!! I know where the hideout is too. Damn! That fly just dropped and startled me. Bob can get them though. Bob is mom’s boyfriend and our fix-it dude. Shit. I’ve got a ladybug hideout right on top of the foot of my bed. Not that I’m scared of insects, I just don’t hold them in any favor. My one danger zone is my feet. I’m like extraordinarily sensitive down there. It’s more dangerous then my clit. Still, I’d say hearing is my ultimate superpower. I can barely hold still when my feet are just rubbed. And for a pedicure?? Oh my goodness. I instantly go into full giggle mode. Fuck. I can’t sleep with bugs right above me. And I hate buzzing. I’m just….watchful and picky about insects. Outside is outside, but inside….no. i don’t want them here.

Now I need to think of Christmas presents. Hey, can anybody answer this? If I do go spend Christmas with my sisters and dad….and IF we are forced to go to Chris’s….does that mean I need presents for all of my stepfamily too??? I’ll get something for Chris. She’s awesome. I love her. but the rest?? ugh. i don’t know them, and what I do know, i don’t even like. Although Brian did help me out of a drunk guy situation in Costa Rica. But no, don’t like him.

5:01. Not surprising. buzzing….ugggg. better sleep. i’ve been needing my temperpedic bed for so long…shut up fly!!You’re enormous and i don’t like you. yeay. someone liked my pin! god i need to catch up on My Little Pony. I need to find episodes that are just episodes! not the damn blind commentary shit. i like my audio commentaries, but….i just want to watch the show.

My boy is just…perfect. Oh, Stanley, I love you more then myself. Hey. Words: 2010. blab lk lieh lie there. 2015.

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