truth dream

It’s 6:17am and I just had a dream. I’m not sure what you would call it. It’s not a nightmare and not just a random dream. It’s a truth dream.

I know this girl, Molly, from high school-never knew her well or cared to. Now, I care to, but back then I didn’t. She was the only one I recognized.Back in school, it really got to me that she was so popular. Maybe that’s why she was there.

Anyway,damnit, now the memory is fading. There was a large class and the teacher stepped out for a second. I was in explosion mode. I couldn’t take anymore. I ended up screamig and pulling hair to get people to stop Of course, I was stared at in complete fear. Molly was in the desk behind me and made a note to show the teacher. I can’t remember what it said but it was colorful and had an arrow pointing to me. I came back to my senses as the teacher came back and the bell rang. Everyone stood up and glanced at me with fear and I instantly felt bad. I was bending over to get my things (there was a hot pink purse or something)and I could feel my face heating up. The teacher had asked me, Molly and two other girls to speak to her  We all came to her desk, me feeling just awful. I remember what I said. “It was like a balloon pop. It had to happen. I know some disiplinary action must be taken and I’m ready for your punishment.” I glanced at the three girls who were still full of fear.I woke up.

For some reason, Molly, the hot pink and the words “balloon pop” stick out the most. It’s a truth dream. I know that’s what happens but I’m never sorry because I’m in my aggressive mode then. I’m still in the high part of my anger. and when I calm down, I still don’t apologize bc ….it’s not my fault. It is, but I was pushed to my breaking point clearly. And that is what made it happen. There was too much air in the balloon and it popped. That’s all there is to it. It’s not the balloon’s fault that it popped. Why did an image of a light blue balloon conjure instead of another color?? What does light blue signify??

That’s what it’s like with Beth. Beth gets to me bc of her nasally voice and red hair and how she understands things. Well, everyone’s intelligence level gets to me really badly, but for some reason Beth is just….the top one. I think it could possibly be because she’s a spoiled brat and is around the age of 7 in her brain but is utterly convinced that she acts 24.

My sister once called me a spoiled brat and I didn’t like it. I told mom and her exact words were “I don’t raise spoiled brats.” that was the last word. EVER. I think she mostly gets to me because she doesn’t admit the truth. I can’t understand how people can just not admit things that just…are. 2+2 is 4. It just is. it’s the same with her hair. She’s convinced it’s brown, but it’s red. She won’t hear a word against it. Why does she get to me so?? Because I don’t understand her, maybe? Ok. I don’t understand. Why is that an issue? because I like to understand. it bothers me that I don’t. Anyway. Other then the truth, what does that dream mean? It means something, I know it does. Why do I allow the non-understanding of my dream to pass, but not the non-understanding of Beth and her ways? That does not make any sense. I like things to make sense, Beth just…doesn’t.

I do know that making people fear me like that is not good. Maybe the dream was a warning.I can’t keep my anger contained when it reaches that point. I think that’s part of the brain damage, but even so….it’s not allowed. Being brain damaged really isn’t an excuse. It seems like more of a crutch. But……..that’s how I am. This is what happens. And clearly, I can’t do anything about it. But saying that isn’t nice at all. It puts blame on you. But you are the one blowing the balloon here, not me. It’s still not nice to point fingers.

I gotta figure this out. and what the hell do the colors mean? and why was Molly there? and why in hellfire was i pulling hair??? That’s just odd. I’ve never pulled hair in my life. Why would I be doing that action??

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