no way out

K. Well…I don’t really think I’ll have a future. I can’t hold a full-time job and even two people can’t afford housing. So what am I to assume? I only have a 15 year old brain.

If I were to go into something professionally, I think it would be something to do with history, costuming or sign language. Really. Possibly a dojo. But that’s a long shot.

No one’s gonna want a girlfriend or wife who is practically a child. No one’s gonna want to mother me.

In every sense but physical and practical, I can stand on my own. Me being practical and…thinking…and using a checkbook…it’s laughable. I say “I want, I want” all the time like a child. I never DO it. No one’s gonna want some girl they have to take care of. It’s not fair to them.  Dude, I’m never gonna have a future. I can say “I want” all I want, but it’s never gonna happen. I can say “I will” but I won’t do anything. I can be inspired, but I’ll never act on it.

Like I said, this is my life. and it’s not gonna change. Mom’s gonna die and leave me to my sisters for guardianship. I don’t want that. but…that’s how it’s gonna go.  I’m in this hole and there never even was a ladder to get out. and there won’t be.

I can be interested in everything in the world, and I am…but…I know what the future holds for me. I can be as determined and as stubborn and tenacious as I am…but I’m never gonna go anywhere. Maybe I’ll achieve something. But it won’t be getting to control my own life.

Hell, I could even be a Deaf Counsellor, and still….this is what my life would be. I’d never be my own guardian. Mom even said tonight that she can’t trust a single decision I make. and I can’t do shit about it.

So focus on that and change it.

How? I can’t take out the stupid brain damage like a damn floppy disk.I’m never gonna have a job and I’m never gonna have a relationship. Who wants a 30 year old woman who can’t even remember to shower?  Do you? Dude, I can’t even remember how to be an adult human. I don’t work. I need care. But I’m not gonna get it. I mean, yes. Someone will care. But I mean, I’m not gonna live like another 30 year old woman. I’m not gonna have the love of a man. or have a career, or drive, or pay for myself. I can ask for all the advice ever….but I’m never gonna act on it.

My life is never gonna change from what it is right now. This moment. This is how it’s gonna stay.

2 thoughts on “no way out

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