Your name is LUCY

Ok. Well, it’s been pretty much 2 months exactly from my last post. Sorry. I put my weight on the computer by accident and cracked the screen. There’s big blotches of invisibility on the right side surrounded by purple …shag. I had myself convinced that the entire right side was invisible until now. So that’s why I didn’t write.

News: I’m getting an apartment. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! The rent is $165, which I’m told is lower then ridiculously low. The building won’t allow any pets. Mom is easily within 5 blocks of the building. I’m stocking up on things to get in there to start my life without mom. Earlier today, I printed out 74 photos at Wal-mart for $21. My sister said Snapfish is cheaper, but I didn’t get that answer til I was finished. But she says she can get me some poster sized ones! God, I really need a card so I can do my own shit like this. She has two toddlers and full time teaching nursing students. Credit is money you pay later and Debit is money you have now. Jesus. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a card no matter how much I learn about shit.

My niece turned 1 yesterday. She’s super super cute. I’m in love with her eyes. Dad’s giving his computer to my sister and she’ll wipe hers and give it to me. and of course dad gets the brand new one. Not the one who has school because she was forced into it, and not the one who has a broken screen and is online 24/7. I hate dad. I hate him, I hate him.  Such a fucking meanie.

My therapist got me to write a note to dad and word it right. I don’t give a shit about him. What I want is better and more times with my sisters and nieces. But I have to start at the source of the problem. And the actual problem is that my sisters and I see our dad in very, very different lights. I’m planning to write one to them too, but like I said, start at the source. Deal with the top and it may possibly trickle on down the line. Mom read over it, but she says to go to her lawyer to reword and whatever to make it nice for a narcissist bitch to think, “Hey, maybe I need to treat my daughter nicer and talk to her a little.” Apologizing is waaaay too much too hope for. Then my sisters will see that, and possibly like me and I’ll be in the group maybe.

But perhaps it’s better to just forget the past and not drag this shit up again. Well, ya know what? My dad is controlling how I think and look at the past and see my sisters and how my sisters see me. I want him out of my head. I mean, obviously, I can’t get rid of the memories I already have and such, but I want to be understood. I want them to understand why I see and feel differently. I am disabled. I have problems. They don’t.  I have never been in the “cool group”. I’m not invited on sisterly outings. I wasn’t invited to skip sunday school and go eat at the bakery probably 15 years ago. I wasn’t allowed to watch Sex and the City. But they all were totally allowed. It hurts man. And I’m still not invited to shit. I get it that I don’t live with you. or can’t ride a bike, or am not so outdoorsy, or shit like that….but, dude, it’s not nice. Therapist says that most times people just don’t know how to deal with a disabled person, and, dude, that’s fine. But goddamnit, don’t go off and be all lovey sisterly -ness. I’m a sister too. I wanna take what part I can. and suggest and be loved and sister ed too. It’s not fair. and it’s very not nice. and I do not appreciate it. I have been upset by this for years. I do not like it. I’ve had enough and want in!

And keeping with the stupid rule I have, I will name this journal. It will be Lucy. Because I hate gender neutral names like Jesse and whatever.

Decorating my own little space will be super fun! I’ve bought a mug and 2 picture frames and printed 72 photos and some little teas. Not starting out with a lot, clearly, but does anyone? I have some posters too. Of course I don’t wanna frame all 72 photos. but some, yea. I also have made a washi tape banner and as I have many extras I bought tiny clothes pins to hold up photos on string.

The apartment is really not big at all. But it’s nice and a comfortable little place for me to start setting up a semi-life without mom. The window overlooks the parking lot. I can deal with that.llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll Ok. That was for getting out of the spot of invisibility. lol.

I suppose I can take my sleeping pill now.  Fuck you family dynamic shit.  Tomorrow, I will write about little girls as sexy witches. Toats can’t wait to watch my own Netflix account.

PS. I’m so incredibly sick of being totally unwilling to even try to recall karate. I’ve been out for 10+years, but dude, I’m in love and I want to be a weapon, just do it. I’m not gonna find a school. dude, just buckle down. if you wanna do it again, and say you will over and over, do it. I just need to recall my stuff and look up the rest. Nothing to it.

Stupid brain damage not allowing me to motivate!! i hate you! I’m really not shitting you. and it’s not funny. this is a real fucking problem and I can’t stand it. It makes me want to kill myself, ok? I hate this part. it really REALLY fucking sucks and kicks me in the ass. EVERY. TIME. I should give the brain damage a name too. ….hmmm it seems very male…. dunno….

It took me 6 years to earn that high brown. and had one more to get to black. Nothing to do in this  stupid town anyway. I clearly will never get to my dream of 3rd degree black belt by saying “i wish i wish” and not doing shit. 3×6 is 18. even if my future is to earn that degree, it’ll take just shy of 20 years. Dude. It’s the ONLY fucking dream I’ve got. Not because of anything specific, I just don’t know what I want. Do it, man. Get on it.

Does anyone know any books or sites or stuff on Goal setting??

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One thought on “Your name is LUCY

  1. stephypowers

    Sadly, I can’t give you advice on goal setting. I have no motivation whatsoever thanks to stupid dead brain too. I have heard that writing down your goals are suppose to be this good thing. Write down goals of the week and get to them. I have always wanted to do ballet, but now I just think I’m too old for it and I don’t want to bother anyone to bring me so it’ll wait until after I drive. The rent for your apartment is beyond low. I have always had to get a two bedroom because I have always had at least one kid when I was renting and my cheapest apartment was $700 a month. That was in a low income complex too. My other apartment was in a gated community and was 2 bathroom so it was like $750 a month. I don’t ever want to get a credit card because I think it’s too tempting and leads to a lot of debt.

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